Hello my loves, and welcome to Tell Me Something Graceless. I’m Ada (after Ada Lovelace, the OG computer programmer/coding badass/feminist icon of the 1840s)…and I’m here to tell you what to do. You can think of me as Dear Abby, but with a foul mouth, full bed, and decidedly feminist approach to life’s toughest questions. I’m here to dole out advice, not because I’m living a perfect life myself, but because I possess the alchemical formula of two parts arrogance/one part platform that allows me to do something as cavalier as write an advice column on the internet.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to wag my finger and tell you to dump your boyfriend, drink a green juice, and quit your job so you can #LiveYourBestLife, or whatever other privileged drivel you might find on some Instagram-filtered lifestyle blog (moon-charged jade pussy eggs? Really white ladies?). Sure, sometimes you actually should do those things in order to calm your mind, as long as you recognize that being “funemployed” is stressful AF, and that green juice is a waste of money and you should just eat some damn broccoli.
So what am I here to do? Por ejemplo: how do you #RoseAllDay and #Resist at the same time? How do you harness the power of your Tinder profile to dismantle the patriarchy while still getting some sweet sweet butt? How do you confront your racist uncle and still accept the $50 Amazon gift card he sends you at Christmas? Hint: you don’t. That gift card is the Prime© version of a blood diamond and you need to send it the hell back (or sell it and donate the $$$ to the ACLU).
All these things and more are the types of questions I’ll be answering here. So, send me your questions (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I’ll drop a truth bomb bigger than the ones we’re all terrified the Cheeto©-monster-in-chief is going to get dropped on us.
Love, love, love,
Ada – email@example.com
***Note: If you want to put a moon-charged jade egg in your puss, then you should totes do it, but just remember a few things:
- There are better ways to spend your money
- There are better ways to spend your time
- Toxic Shock Syndrome