Happy Wednesday from my living room couch. It’s approximately 128 degrees outside, school starts next week, and Amazon put my bank account in the red this morning with its sucker-punch of a Prime renewal. Man, it steams me that they give you absolutely no warning  that charge is headed your way. Of course it’s not enough to make me actually cancel anything. How else am I going to watch You’ve Got Mail for free when I’m hungover on Sunday?

It’s a slow work week, so I’m trying to take advantage of that. Hence this ramble in your ear. I slept late, made this for breakfast for some bizarre reason (review: too much bread, not enough egg, 2 stars), and then read a whole bunch of stuff on the interwebs. Minding my new policy of only posting pictures of my kids and cat on Facebook, here are some things I think are interesting.

How Millennials Killed Mayonnaise
I didn’t even read it because who cares, but the headline has had me giggling for hours

The Mars rover has gone to sleep so its NASA team made a playlist to wake it up
This article is charming.

Which Jokes Comedians Would Steal If They Could Get Away With It
I clicked on this because my boyfriend John Mulaney is the lead photo and then ended up watching every clip. Very enjoyable little time-suck.

This week’s Funbag
My Facebook friends know how obsessed I am with Drew Magary’s writing. Work’s been consuming me so much though that I stopped reading his weekly Funbag column. This was an excellent one to come back to (despite the sharting question, which only reminds me that men are never not 12-year-old boys). His answer to a question about filling out online forms summed up how we all seem to be feeling about technology these days:

“Like, the reason Facebook has near-total dominion over online now is because no one wants to have to enter their full address into anything. Faced with the daunting prospect of having to spend 45 whole seconds filling out an online form, I gladly hit the SIGN IN WITH HITLER! button to make my problems go away. That’s the standard internet business model: They create headaches, and then they want your info or your money to make the headache go away. And the worst part is that all of my threats to leave this online life are idle. I’m not gonna go live in a cabin or anything. That’s boring. I need this bullshit and they know it.”

While you’re perusing all this, queue up Nicki Minaj’s new album Queen. I know, I’m surprised myself. I’ve never been a huge fan, but she’s gone into new territory with this one. Allyson – who has a freaking degree in music analysis and production, so I’m trying to force her to write reviews for us – told me that “the approach reminds me of Turkish/Egyptian hip-hop: it’s less about the hook and more about the message,” to which I say, why yes of course it does!

Enjoy your day, friends. (And make sure your name hasn’t been dropped off the voter registry).

Enters the room by kicking the door down. Obnoxious Austinite. Conflicted Texan. Writer. Procuress. Sot.